can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
