I can text with my tongue
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I cut my penus on the lid.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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