exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
