Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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