Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
