matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Randomize
