My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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