How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize