Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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