I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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