I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize