I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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