i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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