my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
