I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
