Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize