I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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