The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
