Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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