i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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