What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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