I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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