Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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