someone threw a dead crab at me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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