when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Randomize
