just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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