I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
