Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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