Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize