When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
