could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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