Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
