dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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