im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
