New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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