Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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