ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
