Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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