nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
