I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
