In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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