I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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