yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
