Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
