dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize