I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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