I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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