theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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