Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
