he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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