whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
