If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
