I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
