I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
