How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
