you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
