she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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