life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Randomize
